lookit tells you a story
 

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     our people have found that there are some stories, the stories of Coyote, which have led us down the steps which have led us to where we are now, in the Clan of the Coyote people. we are the Coyote people, and we tell these stories, of Coyote, to share with you the great wisdom of our Clan. now, my friend, I will tell you another one of them.

     there was a time when the world was great and large, much larger than it is today. in that time, Coyote lived alone in his cave. there was no one else there, no one for as far as you could see. in that time, Buffalo was not there, and Giraffe was not there either. Coyote loved to sound of the desert. at night, he would often cry to the moon with great joy, and there was no one else there to hear him. in these times, Coyote was very happy.

     but, even as we have seen, there are times when the world changes. there came a day when Pigeon came to live near the cave of Coyote. Pigeon built his nest on a very large rock, and he lived there with the things that Pigeon had.

     now, I have often told of the ways that Pigeon was loud and dirty and smelled like french fries, so I will not tell you such things, for this is more a story of Coyote than of Pigeon. it is enough to say that Pigeon was not a good neigbor, for he was loud and dirty and smelled like french fries.

     so, Coyote was not happy. but, there soon came a day, a Saturday as it is told by our people, when Coyote awoke and was very, very hung over. he had been drinking the corn mash which Possum had made for him, and he had drunk too much, even for Coyote.

     there are times that our clan also drinks too much, for we are the Coyote clan.

     so, Coyote awoke, and he went looking about the cave. he looked and looked for something to stop the pain of being hung over, but he did not find anything. Coyote did not know what to do, but then he remembered something.

     you see, like our clan, Pigeon was also a great drinker, and Coyote had often seen Pigeon being very hung over on Saturday mornings. but today was different. today Pigeon was not home, for Pigeon had gone off to the KMFDM concert with Squirrel and Rat, and he would not be back for some time. so, Coyote walked over to the very large rock, and he climbed the rock, and then he went to Pigeon's nest.

     Pigeon was not home, so Coyote let himself in through the garage. now, there was a time that Coyote had been to Pigeon's house and they had drank Possum's corn mash together. the next morning when they awoke, Pigeon had shown Coyote where he kept the herbs which Sparrow had made for him which would stop the pain of being hung over. Coyote looked around the next, and yes, there were some herbs there, so he ate them and got a glass of water.

     it was not long before Coyote felt hungry. he was no longer hung over, and he wanted to have some food with the water. so, he looked around, and looked for something to eat. but, of course, Pigeon, Squirrel and Rat had eaten all of the food before going to the concert, so there was no food in the nest. but, Coyote had to have food. so, he thought, and then he called out for some pizza.

     "Hello, Joe's Pizza, can I take your order sir," said Pizza Man.

     "hello, this is Pigeon," said Coyote, though he was not Pigeon.

     "Hello, Mr. Pigeon sir. would you like to try our twelve-topping pizza?"

     "why, that sounds very tasty," said Coyote "yes, I would like to try your twelve-topping pizza."

     "that'll be $15.79, sir, with tax. would you like to have that delivered?"

     "yes, I would like you to deliver my pizza to Pigeon's nest. it is near the cave of Coyote."

     "yeah, so, okay. i'll be there soon."

     it is in this way that Coyote ordered his pizza. we, too, order our pizza this way, for we are the Coyote clan.

     twenty-nine minutes later, Pizza Man drove up to Pigeon's nest. Coyote heard Pizza Man drive up, and so he went to the door.

     but he stopped, and he thought. 'I have forgotten something. what have I forgotten? oh yes; it is money. I must give money to Pizza Man, or I will not get my food.

     'but, I have no money.'

     so, you see, Coyote had no have no money, but he was very, very hungry. so, Coyote looked around the nest for some money, but there was no money there, because, of course, Pigeon, Squirrel and Rat had spent all their money on bus fare. Coyote did not know what to do. so he thought, and then he said:

     "hello, Pizza Man. I see that you are here. I am glad. please give me my pizza."

     "that'll be $15.79, mr. Pigeon sir"

     "of course," said Coyote in his most cunning voice, "I will give you $15.79, but my door is stuck, and I cannot open it. please, Pizza Man. please give me the pizza."

     "uh, I can't give you your pizza if you can't open your door. sir"

     "no. that is not true. I know of a way that you can give me my pizza."

     "yeah?"

     "you can take the pizza, and give me it one slice at a time. you see, this door has a slot, a slot that Snail uses to give us our post-cards and letters. do you see the slot, Pizza Man."

     "uh. sure."

     "please, Pizza Man. take the pizza, and give it to me one slice at a time".

     and so Pizza Man gave Coyote the pizza one slice at a time through the slot in the door. Coyote was so hungry, that he ate each slice as soon as Pizza Man had given it to him. when the last slice came through the slot in the door, Coyote ate it too, and he was no longer hungry, and he was no longer hung over. so, he went to sleep.

     soon Pizza Man became angry, because Coyote did not say anything. Pizza Man waited, and then he said things that I will not say to you, and then he beat loudly on the door. but this did not bother Coyote, for he was asleep, and Coyote knew that Pizza Man would never beat the door down. for, Coyote himself had made the door for Pigeon as a gift, and if there is one thing that Coyote can do, it is to make doors that cannot be beaten down.

     our clan can also make doors like these, for we are the Coyote clan.

     later that day, Coyote awoke and let himself out through the garage. he walked away from Pigeon's nest, and he climbed down the very large rock, then he walked to his Cave. it was late, and the day was long and had made him tired, so Coyote walked into his cave and fell asleep.

     the next morning, he awoke. he was not hung over; he was not hungry. Coyote was... happy. but, wait. Coyote smelled smoke. 'where there is smoke, there is fire,' thought Coyote, and rushed out of his cave to look for the fire. it was sunday. Coyote saw there there was a great fire on the top of the very large rock, and he saw many white station wagons driving away to the sorth with great speed.

     then, a season passed, and Pigeon did not return. it was quiet again, and Coyote could once again hear the sounds of the desert. one night, he cried to the moon with great joy, and there was no one else there to hear him. Coyote was very happy.

   


 

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...because he's got so goddamn many stories to tell that he could keep you up until all hours of the morning. well, actually, just knowing that such a place exists would keep any sane person from being able to sleep at night anyway.

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