What the Hell Have I Found?
Why, you've found the latest thing in home entertainment!
It's Critturs, the cute furry little animal that just can't say no!
What's a Crittur?
It's that thing up to the left of the question marks in the header image!
Yup, that's the one!
And if you look all around this wacky document, you'll see truckloads of them!
They're just so wonderfully irresistable, they'll just make your brain erupt with pleasure!
They're cheap, affectionate, easy to clean up after, and (thanks to cutting-edge breathroughs in psychopharmacology) they're astoundingly quick to learn!
Why, I'll bet you're ready to snuggle up to one right now!
Well, first, let's handle the basics...
A Crittur is simply a 4"-high self-supporting blob of plush blue-tinted hair (like you can tell, right?).
Each comes free of charge with a mouth, blob-like foot and a centralized segmented eye.
Critturs come in 2 varieties, Male and Female, the only real difference being the grafting of a bow to the head and lipstick to the mouth, with the occasional genetically lengthened eyelash if the mood is right.
I've included a picture of a piece of cheese with similar characterisics just to demonstrate the incredible scientific concepts behind the two distinct Crittur forms.
So, ready to have one?
Maybe two or three?
We'll get to that, so just hold on for a moment because there's more to tell...
Critturs are goofy, silly and all-around happy-go-lucky creatures!
Nothing gets them down, not even the threat of rainy weather, earthquakes or mutually assured nuclear destruction!
Even the littlest thing keeps them occupied for hours, especially things they can put in their weensie li'l mouthes!
Perhaps it has something to do with their lack of prehensile limbs, but who can say?
In fact, who cares?
Have you ever seen a dog get this happy when you put deely-boppers on its head?
Get serious; there's no comparison.
When it comes to Critturs, anything goes!
I'll bet you can't wait to have a slap-happy ultra-jolly Crittur of your very own!
But you'll have to, because that's not all...
Did I mention how tolerant they are?
Why, they'll put up with just about any sort of mistreatment you can imagine!
Seltzer bottles, whoopie cushions, nerve gas; anything's fair game with Critturs.
As far as they're concerned, you could bash them in the head with a sledgehammer day and night for seven weeks straight, and they'd still retain that tender, wistful demeanor you will come to expect from quality Crittur merchandise.
And the first 100 callers receive that sledgehammer absolutely free!
Are you psyched?
Are you ready?
Hey hey, not yet... I'm not through!...
There's nothing that a Crittur likes more than a little adversity; after all, it's the spice of life!
Critturs are robust and thrive within the most gruelling environments with barely a whimper or grimace.
Don't give them a second thought; just shove 'em into the toaster oven and their antics will keep you amused for hours upon hours.
I've had half-dozen of my own cleaning out leaky gas lines for the past month, and you'd never know the difference.
Flexible, durable and long-lasting; what more could you ask for?
Well, there's more for the taking!...
Slice 'em, dice 'em, put them through the works, because they just won't die!
I shit you not!
They're molded from a unique odor-free poly-infused bio-synthetic fiber that I extrude from a pile of gunk I found near a meteor crater out in the back yard.
No matter what you do to the little bastards, they'll just spring right back up and beg you for more!
What could be more fun?
Think about it: you can only grind up a barrel full of monkeys once, and for your trouble you get horrible stains in your carpet.
But not with Critturs, the woundrous new domesticated sensation of the 90's!
They're in demand, and going fast!...
No bitter after-taste!
It's Critturs, the revolutionary new household companion that beats a Chia Pet nine ways to Sunday!
No home is complete without two on the coffee table and a six-pack waiting in the fridge.
So hot, they're cool!
So good, they're bad!
Now I ask you, friends... DO YOU WANT A CRITTUR?
A real live CRITTUR of your VERY OWN?
A miraculous, splendiferous, wacktackulous CRITTUR??
Piss off. They're mine.
Senseless Existence of Critturs
(c)1995, Lookit the Cat Productions
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